[LATIPSOH]

I just turned 23, and I can honestly say that I have never experienced having a full erection. From around 7 years, and more and more as I review my teen years recall the same sensations and symptoms that I can articulate today but couldn't before: the sensation of leaking blood from my penis as I became aroused, pain in penis even with mild arousal, no morning erection despite the feeling of arousal, penile inflexibility, twisted, curved, seemingly restricted size and shape of penis, and the list goes on. Neither of my parents smoke or smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol excessively. I had my first drink of alcohol when I was 18, and never tried illegal or unprescribed drugs prior to my 19th birthday. I have always been active in sports and in relatively above-average physical condition.

Often times I found myself convinced that I wasn't meant to have sex, or, in younger years, I was a homosexual(no offense to anyone who is homosexual or abstinent is intended). When I was 18 I attempted intercourse for the first time with my first and last girlfriend, who was very beautiful and fit and I was very attracted to her. For the few months that we dated sans-intercourse I was able to build the delusion that vaginal intercourse would be enough to spark a spontaneous, satisfying-enough erection to have sex. The first time could have been enough to completely halt our relationship if we hadn't been going out for so long before, and she was persistent to make it work(A for effort). My trust in her grew to more than I can trust my own family, and she appeased my modified delusion of what sex was supposed to be(with a soft penis) for almost two years. These experiences haunt me with my most embarrassing, darkest and least-wanted memories. I never climaxed once during relations with her except for 3 incidences where I masturbated, and they weren't happy moments. Her seemingly-unwaivering love for me was repaid by my projection of self-loathing on her, which eventually drove her into the arms of my best friend, and everybody I grew up with and many people I met AFTERWARD found out about my never-ending incurable difficulties and shortcomings. My life has since gone to alcohol and drugs of all types. After being arrested repeatedly for underage drinking, possession of drugs and violations of probation, I finally had a wakeup call when I was shot at a drug deal gone bad. I finally got back to college and work, quit drugs and alcohol, and after the suggestion of my doctor for remedy of my lightly-mentioned ED, quit cigarettes and took up regular sports and cardio exercise again.

I feel like I finally have control over my life and what i can do about my ED, after going from not understanding it, to confronting it incorrectly, self-medication, to finally wanting to help myself. My non-working penis and non-existent self-esteem are dark secrets of mine and I am starting to see how much it truly affects my attempts at school, my job, and my social life. Above all this, I am assuming that I have been permanently traumatized and derailed and may never reach full functionality like may have been able to. I told my pops about my issues a few months ago, but I can tell he doesn't believe me...thats how much I had people fooled through my own delusion. I do not have enough money to go to the doctor for endocrinology or blood tests, so over the past few months I have looked for answers of my own. I eventually found Peyronie's disease fits my symptoms and description. My next step is to find a urologist who is an expert in this issue. Peyronie's disease seems to have a poor outcome for people who seem to experience chronic impotence, or have had the issue for more than a year, let alone seven. in this way, treatment seems to either cause impotence or make it worse, if having no effect on the actual cause of the disease. The possibility that I may ever have a full erection with treatment in my life is not something that I can imagine, or understand benefiting me. It is even less fathomable to imagine sexual satisfaction outside of masturbation, or to get married and have children. I do finally have faith that I can come to peace with myself with whatever state I must live in, with understanding why all this came to be.